Dear No One,
When did everything get so weird? It feels like everything has just gone topsy turvy. Like, I have found myself asking a lot lately, “How did we get here?” About everything, from personal matters, to things that are going on in the world. It’s one of those things that I know it’s a crazy time but I also need to recognize it hasn’t all been bad. It just has felt like a year of clarity in a way. It’s been a cluster fuck that’s for sure, but it’s somehow been okay too, or as okay as it can be I guess.
Life gets so crazy sometimes. Like what if you would’ve made a different choice years ago? Do you think you’d still be where you are now? Would fate have brought you to where you were supposed to be? Or is it like the Butterfly Effect where you kind of create your own fate? Do you even believe in fate? It’s so interesting to think about. I’m going to be honest, I feel like all of a sudden I just took a nice big drink of Felix Felicis. For my friends out there who don’t know what that is, it’s a potion from the Harry Potter series also known as liquid luck. It makes you relatively sure of everything you do and things tend to work out in your favor because of it. I don’t know about you guys but lately I’ve just felt that way. It’s so exciting to be confident in things when you’ve been questioning yourself for… a while. I don’t know if it means I’m on the right path or maybe I’m just arrogant. I don’t know if the feeling is here to stay or if I’m about to be humbled. I’m trying not to question it too much. I’ve been working on being in the moment more instead of worrying about what’s coming next. It’s been nice. It makes me want to be better.
It makes me think about how there was a time in my life when I didn’t think I’d make it this far. Not in a super dark way or anything. But in those moments of doubt you just start to feel like it’s going to last for an eternity. You can’t think of anything beyond the initial feeling because it’s always there, waiting for you to slip up so the little voice in your head can say, “See. Told you so.” You start to wonder if there is anything beyond this moment. Because it’s taking up all of your energy and focus. It feels so important that you figure it out right now. Right this fucking second. So it keeps you awake, keeps you from eating sometimes, and literally lives in your mind 24/7. You’re so tired of questioning every little thing you do. However, you aren’t fully ready to trust yourself again because you’ve fucked up before. You’ve made some big mistakes and you’ll be damned if it’ll happen again. Maybe you’ve hurt people, maybe you’ve been hurting yourself. Whatever it is you’ve done you have made this unbreakable vow (that’s another Harry Potter reference) to yourself that you will never ever let something like that happen again. So, you’ll start to be more aware of the little things that you never paid attention to before because you figure there may be a correlation. You’ll start to second guess things you’ve said in the past. You may start to question some of your relationships. You’ll start to live in this feeling of constant fear because if you can’t trust yourself then what can you do? Certainly can’t trust others. You can’t trust any sort of process. Nothing feels like it makes any sense, and the constant search for the “right answer” is exhausting. And eventually you’ll ask yourself, How did I get here?
But, have you ever thought that maybe, just maybe, now is the time when things are going to work out better than you expected? You’ve been at war with yourself for long enough. Maybe this is the time for you to win a few battles. Little ones here and there until you’re ready to tackle the big ones. Maybe it’s time to start entertaining that thought. It’s all on your time. I know I sound like I just got a job working for some pyramid scheme that just offered me the “opportunity” to make over $600,000 dollars a year. I am just starting to really fall in love with this feeling. Whatever that means. Maybe it’s all in my head. Maybe some of you have a similar feeling. We’ll just have to wait and see. Thank you for reading. I’ll be back before you know it.
Sincerely,
Jordan.
P.S. I have some short stories I have been working on! I was thinking of maybe posting them in place of a usual blog every now and then to switch it up a little bit. Would you guys like that? Let me know.