Dear No One,
Happy 2021, first of all. I hope everyone had a safe holiday. How has the new year been treating everyone? It’s been pretty okay for me. I woke up the morning of New Year’s Eve with the intention to make 2021 my year. I mean, I was ready to walk in with a new look, a dramatic hair change, and zero fucks to give. However, in the same breath, I also wanted to make sure I made my entrance slowly, quietly, and very careful not to touch anything. We are still in a very fragile state. I was motivated and ready.
Don’t get me wrong, I still feel motivated and ready. Lately I’ve just been feeling like I’m just trying too hard, ya know? With everything. Work, self care, my relationships. Because of that, I feel like I’m either rushing things or things aren’t happening naturally like how they are supposed. I feel like about 75% of the things I do are wrong or they make me cringe and I immediately regret it. Like, last week I tweeted, deleted, reposted, and deleted again one tweet in a matter of 15 seconds. What was the tweet about? It was literally just a mindless question I had about the movie, New Moon. Seriously. That’s it. But, for whatever reason I couldn’t bring myself to do it as soon as a fraction of doubt crept in. OVER. A. TWEET. I am a 23 year old woman, why should that be something that I’m stressing over? Who cares? Obviously I do, and I don’t know why. I mean, I’m not throwing in the towel yet we’re a week into the new year. I just told myself this would be a place where I’d be real and honest with myself and others and this has been the shit that’s been on my mind lately.
Like, I feel like I don’t even know what I like anymore. Seriously, I went shopping not too long ago and one of the sales associates asked me if I saw something I liked and I literally responded, “I don’t know.” I know what I used to like. I know when something new has caught my eye, but I have no clue if I actually like what I’m seeing or if I just wanted it because I I felt like I needed something new.
I don’t even know what this post is really about anymore. And right on que, I’m starting to have some small little anxiety flutters in my chest about even posting it. So if it goes up (and stays up), I appreciate those of you who gave it a read. I’m sorry there isn’t really a message and I didn’t wrap it up nicely into a neat little picture for you. Shit just kind of feels like a mess right now.
Thanks for reading. I’ll be back before you know it. (Maybe)
Sincerely,
Jordan.