TW: ANXIETY
Dear No One,
This entry is going to be a little bit different from the usual, I guess. The main reason being, I haven’t been completely honest with all of you and myself. I’m just at a point where I feel like a fraud. I feel like even though everything that I write on this platform is how I am genuinely feeling in that moment, I still feel like the way that I’m either always going for the obvious joke, or how I’m trying to tie it all together at the end so everything is nice and neat, that just isn’t always realistic, and frankly it’s all just starting to feel very staged/cliché and that wasn’t what my intention was when I decided to do this back in November. This is a space where I invite open conversation, honesty, and vulnerability but I just feel like I haven’t been able to do that lately, and for that I’m sorry. This time I’m just going to have a conversation with whoever decides to read this. I’m not going to look for a silver lining that isn’t there, I’m not going to try and entertain anyone with humor or shock factor. I’m just going to put pen to paper and I’m going to write. Maybe I’ll never publish this, or if I do it will resonate with someone and make them feel better about something in their life. Or not. I’m just giving an honest life update, I guess.
With that being said, I’ve always loved open conversation. For real, to a point where it’s almost ridiculous. I just enjoy nice long talks with anyone and everyone. But, while I love talking about literally everything there are some things that are personal and they should be handled privately. So, I’m not going to get into all the specifics but there are things I do want to address.
It all started about 2 and a half weeks ago when shit hit the fan. When I say that, I mean like it violently hit the fan and it made a fucking mess. In the workplace, in my personal life, my relationships with people, but most importantly my relationship with myself and my writing. I’m just currently at a point where something has to give and unfortunately writing has been one of those things for me. It’s something that started as an outlet but now it’s just too much. Thinking of topics and wanting to write these pieces for this platform has started to feel like a burden, and I always said if it came to that point I’d stop, at least for a little bit. I can honestly say I haven’t written something I’ve been proud of since like 2018. I think a big reason for that is because I don’t feel safe in my writing like I used to. Even as I write this I’m just not happy with it. I’m unsure of every word I’ve written for the past few months. I’ve been second guessing myself 24/7. The things that I say, my interactions with people, how I carry myself, how I treat strangers, how I treat the people I’m close with. Even something as simple as an instagram story has had me on the fence for longer than it should have. Being so unsure of yourself and everything you do can make something as simple as existing just exhausting. I am exhausted. I’m experiencing crippling anxiety all hours of the day and then I have the nerve to come here and tell the few people who read this that ‘everything always works out in the end’ when I struggle to even keep up with myself. It makes me feel like a hypocrite. It makes me feel fake. Even though I’m being honest, I’m sugar-coating so much, to a point where it’s not even my story anymore. I’m scared of sounding too negative and scaring people away. Because as much as people say they want “real” they don’t actually want REAL. Real is scary, we know that. Real can be dark, and it can be unapologetic. Real can be harsh as fuck. It can feel devastating, but it’s so necessary and it’s something that I need to become more comfortable with, and need to do that before I continue to tell this story so that I can do it justice.
So, I mean I guess that’s the update. I don’t really know what else to say without going in circles but, I’ll be back before you know it.
Sincerely,
Jordan.
P.S.- to the few of you who have kept up and took some time out of your day to read these, I appreciate ya’ll so much. Thank you. To any new readers who took the time to read this today thank you!